Are you constantly walking around in fear that you forget to put the toilet seat down? Are you having problems sleeping because you know if you start snoring you’ll be forced to sleep on the bathroom floor? Are people constantly flipping their hands and making semi-accurate whip noises whenever you’re around? If you answered yes to any of the above there’s a good chance that your very own balls are no longer in your possession.
7 You have to consult with her before making plans
Your friends invited you to come over to watch the game and get excessively drunk on a Monday night. However, before you can say yes, you have to present a closing-argument-type-speech to your girlfriend asking for permission. She’ll reluctantly say yes, but you’ll be punished later when you come home to find her locking on the ole chastity belt.
6 You don’t remember a time when you had friends
You have faint memories of a time when you used to have a group of friends. But the memories are so hazy you’re not even sure if these “friends” were real or part of some trippy dream you had once. Sometimes you think about going onto Facebook and checking on these “friends,” but then you remember your girlfriend wrote violent things on all your ex’s walls and then deleted the account.
5 You’ve seen a Nicholas Sparks movie
Not only did you see Dear John, but you paid for the tickets. In fact, you’re such a good boyfriend that you voluntarily dabbed her eyes and cleaned up her mascara as she cried. The Notebook is your go-to Friday night movie DVD and you don’t even remember a time when you didn’t know all the words to the final monologue in Nights in Rodanthe.
4 You use “we” when talking about yourself
No matter how personal of a statement you are making, the pronoun “we” is always used. We went to the bathroom after eating Mexican, we had a weird rash on our stomach, and we had really bad period cramps today. The other day you tried saying “I” and ending up choking on your own tongue.
3 You always pay
Whether you’re going out to dinner or paying for Midol cramp relief, you always pay. You’re not even sure if your girlfriend owns a wallet or has a bank account since she’s never once offered to pay for anything. In the past year she surprised you by opening up six different credit cards in your name and claimed that debt was your problem and she didn’t want to hear another word about it.
2 You had to ask permission to go your grandma’s funeral
She was beyond pissed when you asked her if you could skip Friday DVD night to go to your grandmother’s funeral. She didn’t speak to you for weeks when you asked her to come with you for emotional support. And she wouldn’t sleep with you for four months after the funeral because you so rudely asked her not to wear her black leather mini-skirt to the service.
1 You’re castrated
Your balls are literally on a jar on the top of the fridge — not even refrigerated to stay
fresh. Sometimes you steal a glance at the jar and dream of stealing them back. But then you remember that taking them back would only inevitably lead to “stop leaving the toilet seat up” fights.
