Last night’s episode of Jersey Shore was… graphic. (Although it was a welcome relief after last week’s throwdown.) From the pooping to the pranks and the male crying, I felt like I was watching something on HBO. Let’s just say though, the pooping really was a cornerstone of the episode. Between Deena being constipated and weighing 40 lbs more than the first episode, someone losing their “dirty drawers” (my money’s on Snooks….) and the boys sticking poo poo pads under Deena’s pillow only to later find them under their own, this ep should have just been called “Sh*ts and Giggles…and Ronnie Tears.”‘ And in that vain, I thought I’d rate every major moment of the episode by on a scale of 1-4 poops. (Obvi, 1 poop is bad and 4 is good.) You with me? Let’s get this sh*tshow on the road!
1. Snooki and Deena “Caking Vinny“
After a lot of angst and drama over Ronnie/Sammi and the girls and boys choosing sides (plus Ronnie crying for the hundredth time), Snooki and Deena decide to combine their meatball powers to “cake Vinny” and begin the most epic/fail prank war of all time.
Survey Says: Three Poops. But only because this is the moment that started it all.
2. Vinny and Pauly’s Revenge
Vinny decides to steal Snooki’s “Crocodilly,” who she allegedly sleeps with every night. She cries and screams and her and Deena hide on the bed and spy on them hiding dog doo doo. Despite the ten-year-old drama, it’s still a welcome change from the SamRon drama, and I actually laughed. So there’s that.
Survey Says: Two Poops. For my laughter.
3. “The Snitchuation”
Situation blows up Crocodillie’s spot, tries to pull a robbery on Pauly’s ex and generally has the best nickname of all time conceived “The Snitchuation”
Survey Says: 4 Poops. No joke, I laughed so hard I nearly pooed my pants.
4. Pooping
“I have to poop!!” Cries Snooki, pounding on the door as a very depressed Ronnie weeps. (I think she also mentioned a turtle head in her shorts, but I’m trying to block that out.) Meanwhile, Ronnie, so sick from losing the love of his life, has clogged every toilet in the house. Before this, I could only imagine what a gorilla juice head dump looked like, but of course, we get an up close and personal look (“There’s corn in here!”) as Vinny attempts to save the day with air freshener, a plunger and one of Sammi’s old hangers. Forced to hold it in (because where is she gonna let it out?), Deena finds herself clogged up for the whole episode….then falls down and cries the whole way home from Karma.
Survey Says: 1 Poop. That was a lot of poop for 40 minutes of TV.
5. Snookie Gets Smushed
“Say my name.”
Silence…..
“Bernard?”
Survey Says: The Golden Poop.
6. Not-Single Ronnie
Ronnie misses Sam. She was the love of his life, he knows what he’s missing now, Karma just isn’t the same without her there yelling at him/grinding on other dudes. Waaaah. Like a whiney, annoying girl, he wants everyone to know he’s hurting… by Eeyore-ing his way into every room and forcing everyone to talk to him about it. Of course Ron Ron forgot about all the arguments, all the mean things he said to Sam and that whole “I’m gonna break all your sh*t and then smush 3 girls in here tonight!” thing and claims that no one understands what happened between the two of them because it was between the two of them. Except, you know, it wasn’t. Especially now that Snitch-uation was bunking up with the WWE champions. He’s just so sad and can’t stop crying (except to force Deena to bring him buns and ketchup for his late-night burgers) so he’s gonna go home, too.
Survey Says: 100 Poops. Not so much for his moping and being genuinely bi-polar, but mostly because he might be leaving, which means working toilets for everyone! And laughter! And rainbows! And more Vinny/Pauly screentime, something we’ve all been missing this season.
