Holy Zombie Day

I am writing you about a cause that is close to my heart: Easter.

I am worried that in today's hustle-bustle world, Easter has lost its true meaning: the resurrection of Jesus. Easter is becoming overshadowed by Marshmallow Peeps, Spring Break, and Passover. We need to adapt our holiday to the needs of a modern-day world.

This is why we should formally change the name of "Easter" to "Holy Zombie Day."

"Easter" was named after "Eastre" (if you believe the academics).

Hear me out. We are good at adapting Christianity to the changing times. Some people claim "Easter" was named after the pagan goddess Eastre, pictured above. Who's Eastre, you ask? Exactly! What do rabbits and eggs have to do with the resurrection of Christ? Who cares! Maybe they were all pagan goddesses or symbols at one point, but now they have been subsumed into the one TRUE holiday: Holy Zombie Day.

Why zombies? The answer is simple: keeping Christianity relevant. You see, we are in danger of seeming "out of touch" with today's young folks, as well as the 'Net crowd, who are perpetually obsessed with zombies. Consider Night of the Living Dead, The Zombie Survival Guide, and those annoying commercials:

Now, let us look at the similarities between Jesus and zombies:

- We believe that Jesus was dead and came back to life. We believe that zombies were also dead and came back to life.
- Jesus is a supernatural being who took on human form. Ditto for zombies.
- Jesus commanded us to eat his body and his blood. Zombies also command us to eat bodies and blood, not to mention brains.
- Jesus is popular. Zombies are also popular.
- Jesus will live forever. Zombies will also live forever, unless destoyed by dismemberment or incineration.

So you see there is not a perfect similarity, which is why we are proposing Easter be called "Holy Zombie Day." Call it plain old "Zombie Day," and before long we're all barricaded in abandoned shopping malls, wearing chain mail to guard our skin against zombie bites.

You don't want to be holed up in a Citgo station, trying to spray these guys with gasoline.

Did Jesus come to save mankind? YES! And did He also come to save zombies? HECK YES! Claiming anything less is to deny the redemptive power of our Savior. St. Paul wrote in Galatians 3:28: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, living nor undead, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." At least, he meant to.

We Christians believe that Jesus came to save ALL, and that means EVERYONE -- not just Jews and Muslims, but also zombies. Werewolves don't count -- they're animals.

Just a fraction of the people who want to change EASTER to HOLY ZOMBIE DAY.

We have to stay contemporary. We have to keep up with the times. Like a zombie bite to the neck, the idea of zombies has already taken over our zombie-obsessed youth culture. Now zombies threaten to overtake the true meaning of Easter -- unless we take them over first.

We are changing "Easter Sunday" to "Holy Zombie Day." Just as we will band together in the event of a real-life zombie apocalypse, I urge you to band together now, in support of this cause. Do it today. Here's how you can help:

- Join our Facebook Cause. It's simple: just click this link, and sign up. It's totally anonymous, and you can trust Facebook, because they're good at keeping people anonymous.

- Write your local church or pastor and ask them to support the change of "Easter" (a name based on an ancient pagan goddess) to "Holy Zombie Day" (a name based on a contemporary spiritual idea).

- Start using "Holy Zombie Day" in place of "Easter." You should refer to "Holy Zombie Day Dinner," or encourage children to join you on a "Holy Zombie Day Egg Hunt."

The "Holy Zombie Day Bunny."

Jesus came to save each one of us: humans and zombies alike. One day all zombies will gaze upon His glorious countenance and instantly realize their true nature, regrow their missing limbs, and begin walking normally."Praise Jesus," the zombies will whisper, in their original human voices, "for truly He is Lord over all.""Brains," they will add, longingly. "He has restored our brains."

Thanks to Thud Congrational Church for their support, and thanks to the good people at Facebook for the Holy Zombie Day Cause page. Don't wait -- join today!